Monday, September 08, 2014
Day 21: Darkness...and Cheese
When a person who is grieving becomes depressed, it can be really hard to distinguish between the two. I'll admit that there have been many days since The Worst Day when I have wanted to stop fighting, when I have thought, "what is the point of any of this?" For months, I was seriously depressed, and even the act of getting out of bed and getting dressed in the morning almost took more than I had. The anxiety I felt on top of that was paralyzing. I am still struggling with both of these things, though it has improved somewhat since I have taken steps to enter life again (like going back to work). Life takes a whole lot of energy - you don't realize just how much until you don't have it anymore. It takes even more energy to stifle your pain in order to appear normal.
It has been a battle this year to find reasons to smile again, reasons to believe that life is good and that there is hope and the possibility of future happiness.
These feelings are very heavy. They weigh on a heart.
Today I am grateful for Danny, who was one of the only reasons I continued to get out of bed each morning this year. He always encourages me, holds me, and makes me laugh. And, on days like today, he knows that what I need is to come home to a clean house and a home cooked meal laced with cheese.